


Goodbye my Captain, my love

by JanewaysEngineer



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Depression, Extreme Risk, F/F, Implied/Referenced Suicide, POV First Person, mental health, not a happy fic, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:53:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27448918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JanewaysEngineer/pseuds/JanewaysEngineer
Summary: B'Elanna Torres isn't strong enough after all. (Trigger Warning!)
Relationships: Kathryn Janeway/B'Elanna Torres, Kathryn Janeway/Other, implied
Comments: 22
Kudos: 16





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning: This is not a happy ending fic.  
> Mental Health | Depression | Suicide/attempt
> 
> \---------
> 
> Set during Extreme Risk, Season 5 of Star Trek Voyager.
> 
> \---------  
> I'm a big Janeway/Torres supporter but I went on a different route with unreturned feelings.

  


The pain that follows the fights feels good, at least in the moment. Sometimes I stand back and let the attackers on my fight program get a hit in, welcoming the broken rib or bruise. The pain feels good. It reminds me I am alive. It forces me to think about something other than my own internal pain of losing the Maquis in the Alpha Quadrant or the constant heart ache I feel every single day moving about this ship.

Tom is there, but I know within my soul he is not my forever, he is not my soulmate. We are only doomed to end. He is wrapped up in building the Delta Flyer, as he should be. He asks, but I do not know what to tell him. His attention needs to be focused on his duty to Voyager.

No one else seems to notice that I am slowly drowning in my own misery, not even my Klingon anger can pull me from the dark abyss of emptiness I feel. I’ve always been small, for a humanoid with Klingon DNA. I am withering away. I don’t recognize myself. I am afraid to ask for help. I can’t, it feels like weakness, and everyone expects me to be strong.

You are clearly upset when you find out about my holodeck activities, and yet, saddened that I have not confided in you, my Captain, the woman I have fallen in love. I tried to tell you once. You shut me down, stating protocol, leaving no room for discussion. But, I knew it had nothing to do with protocol. You simply didn’t share my feelings. 

You asked me what was wrong in Sickbay. I wanted to tell you, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t tell you then have you push me away, the same way you after I tried to tell you my feelings, the same way after Seven came aboard. I watched you leave Sickbay, my heart breaking even more. ‘Goodbye my Captain, goodbye my love..’ I thought with a heavy sigh knowing I had let you down.

The Doctor has diagnosed me with clinical depression. He has given me some type of medication to help, but I don’t want it. I want out. I want it to end. I set aside my own misery for a moment to help the crew of Voyager retrieve the probe, a one last hurrah kind of thing, after Chakotay's Holodeck intervention attempt. 

When I am back on Voyager, I put my plans in motion. A trip to Sickbay, disabling the Doctor to get what I need then it’s to my quarters to write a few letters. I reread your letter twice. I don’t know what to say, but somehow the words come to me.

 _‘Kathryn,_  
_I am sorry it has to be this way, you won’t understand, no one will.. All the years of pain and turmoil have taken its toll and I am just not strong enough. I am tired. I am just… tired. I love you so much that my life feels so empty without the love of my soulmate. I’ve known you were the one for a while now. You love another, and that’s okay. I hope you have found your happiness. Goodbye my Captain, my Kathryn, my love.  
_-B’Elanna’__

____

____

I hit send before going to lay down, still dressed in my tank top and uniform slacks. The other letters will be found on my workstation. I lay quiet for a few minutes, knowing you’re probably on the bridge or your Ready Room reading my letter. I stare at the ceiling, listening to the hum of the ship around me, the mood lighting is blue, like the color of your eyes. 

Taking a deep breath, I look at the hypospray before pressing it to my neck. I can almost feel the peace settling in over me, releasing me from my turmoil as the drugs work their way into my system. My eyes are heavy, my body feels weighed down, pulling me into a state of sleep as the doors to my quarters open…

“B’Elanna!”

-Fin


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> B'Elanna wakes up. Kathryn is there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! Another chapter! :) 
> 
> Please see the depression and mental health warnings in the first chapter!

**Kathryn’s POV**

_‘I’ve never been so scared.’_

As a Starfleet Captain, they teach you how to manage your fear in Command school through countless drills and simulations. You’re taught to school your facial features, stand tall on your bridge, and keep your tone even when speaking. The trick is to anticipate the worst in any mission. Another thing they teach you is to never let your crew see that you are scared. It can make them scared. 

The only time that sticks out in my mind is when I couldn’t get to Daddy and Justin to save them in the shuttle accident. I’m sure there are other times, but my mind has drawn an enormous blank because all I can think about is finding my Chief Engineer unconscious in her quarters, a hypospray still in her hand.

_‘I let her down.’_

I saw the way B’Elanna looked so withdrawn during the last staff briefing. I heard about her lack of enthusiasm to work on the Delta Flyer. I found out about the dangerous programs. Everything added up to the Doctor’s diagnosis, B’Elanna was depressed, and I had done nothing.

‘I wish this ship had a counselor. Our mission did not require one.’

I barely had time to register the letter. My eyes had jumped from sorry to goodbye, not bothering to read the full letter. My heart had plummeted to my stomach as I ran through my own ship to deck nine. It was only as I was overriding the access I questioned myself why I hadn’t used the transporter.

I haven’t left Sickbay much since I transported B’Elanna here, much to the Doctor’s annoyance and insistence that I needed to rest. With B’Elanna under observation, I transferred the message to a PADD. I could hear the underlying pain in the words as I read them. Chakotay had confided in me about the Maquis and the holodeck simulation B’Elanna had run. Something told me my Chief Engineer has lost a great deal and this was just the icing on the proverbial cake. 

My eyes seemed to be stuck on the words of love and I wondered if I even shared any feelings for the feisty half-Klingon engineer that left me amazed by her brilliant mind. Our best conversations always seemed to happen in my Ready Room between cups of coffee. She had grown into the role of Chief Engineer, and I couldn’t ignore the fact that she always managed to put Voyager back together, piece by piece, after an attack. There were times I wondered how she did it. I had developed a close affection for her, but was it love? I didn’t know, but I was willing to find out.

_‘You love another.’_

Those words struck me as odd when I read them. I hold no feelings for anyone on the ship. In fact, I kept to myself. I am aware of the rumors that circled Voyager every other week involving my First Officer and I. _‘B’Elanna must believe the rumors.’_ I think to myself with a heavy sigh. My thoughts are soon interrupted by a soft groan coming from the biobed beside me.

**B’Elanna’s POV**

I come around with a groan. My body feels heavy as if I had been hit with a tranquilizer containing enough venom to drop a wild Targ. My mouth is dry. The lights of Sickbay are extremely bright, even though they are already on a low illumination setting, and my head is throbbing. I closed my eyes, placing my hands over my face.

“Welcome back, Lieutenant.” The Doctor could see my discomfort and lowered the lights a little more.

“I’m... alive…” I grunted, trying to find my voice.

“Yes, you are.” He replied as he checked my vitals. “You’ve been out for 24 hours. The Captain found you in time, and I was able to counteract the lethal dose of analgesic in your system.” 

I felt tears gather in my eyes. I felt so small laying on the biobed. I was always small for being a half-Klingon so I didn’t think it was possible to feel smaller. I had not anticipated this, but I should have. I sent a transmission to the Captain. Maybe it had been my own way of crying for help. My heart sank into the pit of my stomach. There would be questions of how I accessed the heavy doses of pain medication, but I was a skilled Engineer. Finding my way into the ship's systems was easy. There would be questions of why. I wasn’t ready to face the reality of my situation. I turned away, not wanting to listen to the Doctor, instead my eyes landed on the one person I wasn’t ready to face: Captain Kathryn Janeway. 

“B’Elanna.” Kathryn’s voice was soft, gentle, like sweet music to my ears. Even though she had only said one word, I could hear the deep sadness. 

I avoided her gaze, but I could see her moving closer to me. There was no way of avoiding whatever conversation was about to happen. Tears began to form in the corners of my eyes, one rebelling and sliding down my pale cheek. I felt a soft touch wipe it away. I realized Kathryn had gotten up and walked over to me. I waited, almost fearful, for the questions to come. What I did not anticipate was two strong arms, scrooping me up and wrapping me in a warm, tight embrace. I froze and then I felt my body relax. I allowed my arms to wrap around Kathryn’s upper body, hands grasping tight to her back as the dam finally broke, and I cried. For just one moment, I found solace in the arms of my Captain.

-Fin

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you @MagdaleneJaneway for being my beta and making sure everything sounds/reads good! <3


	3. Part Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> B'Elanna and Kathryn talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mental Health Warning!   
> See Chapter 1!

B’Elanna’s POV

The Doctor agreed to release me the next day at the end of the Alpha Shift. He said it was to help me adjust to medication, but I had a feeling it was to keep an eye on me. For once, I didn’t argue about being stuck in Sickbay. I didn’t fully trust myself to be alone. At least in Sickbay, the Doctor was just a step away. Kathryn had returned to duty to sort out the ship's business with promises she would be back. We did not say much before. I don’t think Kathryn wanted to push me to talk. For that, I was appreciative. I didn’t know what to say right now.

I slept most of the day after the Doctor insisted I take a shower and replicate some comfortable clothes. I did as he suggested and fell asleep on the uncomfortable biobed. I was tired. I woke up when Kathryn came in during lunch, we still didn’t say much to each other. At the end of the Alpha Shift, the Doctor released me to Kathryn’s charge.

I walked alongside her, my head down, feet moving on automatic pilot to the turbolift, listening to her call for deck three. Entering her quarters, I immediately began to look around. I had never actually been inside the Captain’s Quarters. No one really had, except Chakotay and Seven. I knew Seven made frequent late night visits to Kathryn’s quarters. I tried to ignore the sad feeling tightening across my chest and focused on looking around again. I noticed a few personal items, a megaphone, books, and some knick knacks. I couldn’t help notice the quarters were much larger than my own. It made sense though that they would be larger. She was the Captain. She needed space to decompress after a day on the Bridge.

“Make yourself at home, B’Elanna. I’ll replicate something for dinner,” Kathryn said, watching her Chief Engineer a moment. 

Her words pulled me out of my trance. I just nodded and walked over to sit down on the couch, slipping my shoes off before tucking one of my legs underneath me. I watched Kathryn move about her quarters, removing her uniform jacket, draping it over a chair as she walked up to the replicator. If Kathryn was uncomfortable to have me in her space, I couldn’t tell.

“I’m sorry, Kathryn,” I said quietly, distracting her from replicating dinner. She turned to look at me, her blue eyes filled with concern. I could see the use of her name, instead of her rank, caught her off guard, but she relaxed as if I had just given her room to breath in her own quarters.

“Why are you apologizing, ‘Lanna?” She asked before requesting a cup of chamomile tea with honey from the replicator. She brought it over and handed it to me before taking a seat at my side.

“I feel like I’ve let everyone down, including you. I wasn’t strong enough,” I said, looking down into the cup, into the abyss of the liquid, waiting for it to pull me in and swallow me up. It took a second for my mind and hand to communicate and raise the cup to my lips. I took a sip of it, letting the liquid warm me before leaning over to set the cup down on the table.

“Oh, B’Elanna, you did not let me down. If anything, I let you down. I knew there was something going on, and I didn’t push you to talk.” Kathryn said as she took my hands in her own. I looked at our hands, feeling my stomach tighten. “I am sorry that I wasn’t there for you, but I am here now. I will help you through this, if you’ll let me.”

I mentally noted the different use of my name, figuring Kathryn was trying out different versions to see which she liked or if I would stop her. I looked at my Captain, staring into her sincere blue eyes, and nodded. “I would like that,” I replied as I shifted to lay my head on Kathryn's lap and immediately felt her fingers move through my hair.

The notion to prepare the two of them dinner was lost on Kathryn, gazing down at the head of her beautiful Chief Engineer in her lap, her fingers in the dark tendrils. She felt a sense of peace, calmness that she had not anticipated to feel. There was one question lingering in the Captain’s mind, “Why, ‘Lanna, why? I know what you said in your letter to me. I want to get a better understanding of what you were feeling and thinking. Please tell me why.”

I heard the words, the daunting question of ‘why’ felt so heavy in my soul. I sat up and moved to pull my legs in tight to my chest. I didn’t notice the look of sadness that flitted across Kathryn’s face at the loss of contact. ‘I know what I wrote to you, and I know it reads like I was ending my life over unrequited feelings, but there is so much more. I kept trying to feel something on the Holodeck, reconnect myself to reality, instead of the emptiness that was all around me. When Chakotay and you found out about my activities…” I paused to take a deep breath, looking elsewhere in the room to avoid Kathryn’s eyes. “I felt ashamed, I knew I had let everyone down, and I felt myself withdrawing even more once the Doctor diagnosed me as depressed. Truthfully, I think I’ve been depressed for so long that reading about the death of the Maquis in the Alpha Quadrant was my breaking point. I felt… so utterly alone all over again, I didn’t think anyone would miss or need me.” 

“Harry, Tom, Chakotay, your engineering crew, I think even Seven would have missed you…” she paused, moving closer to lift my head from my knees. I looked at my Captain, seeing tears in those beautiful blue eyes, instantly hating I had put them there. I have never seen Kathryn Janeway cry. 

“And I would have missed you, B’Elanna,” she continued, cupping my cheek. Her hand was cool to the touch against my warm skin. I nuzzled into the palm. I could smell her lavender bath salts. “And, for the record, I need you, but not just because you are the best engineer on my ship--Voyager would not have survived this long in the Delta Quadrant without you--but because I love you. You and I were so close at one point, I did develop feelings for you. It scared me and I pulled away, I realize that now, when Seven came aboard. It was easy to put so much of my focus on her and allow the distance to grow between us. I shut you out, B’Elanna, and I would have missed you dreadfully.”

I was quiet, staring at Kathryn, as the words tumbled out of her mouth and echoed in my mind. I didn’t know what to say now. I felt her thumb move across my cheek and realized I was crying. I released my legs and planted them on the floor before turning to wrap my arms around her neck. I nestled in closer as Kathryn’s arms wrapped around me. I had heard the words I often dreamed to hear and all I could do was cry against her shoulder.

“You’re not alone anymore. I’m here, ‘Lanna.” She whispered as her grip tightened on me. “I’ll help you through this, but you have to want to get better.”

I pulled back to look at Kathryn, letting her once more wipe my cheeks. At that moment, I still didn’t know what to say. I’ve never known myself to be speechless so I did the only thing I could think of and leaned in to kiss her. It was soft, gentle. I felt her respond. In that kiss there was a silent exchange of feelings, of future promises and something I was always searching for… a sense of home. I knew though, I was not mentally stable enough to dive head first into a relationship. Somewhere in the minute, our lips locked, I found the words my heart wanted to say, “I love you, Kathryn. I think I sent you that letter for a reason. I needed my Captain to come to my rescue.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End.
> 
> I am calling this story done. :) 
> 
> Thank you for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Don't hate me. Cliffhanger. I don't know where this came from. B'Elanna's character is truly one of my favorites in the Star Trek Fandom. She goes through a great deal, and I just love the development and the struggle of her mental health journey.


End file.
